Scars. We all have them and no one is immune to them. We are made to scar, it is how we heal. I have a new scar vertically across by abdomen about 10 inches long from a 7 hour surgery and 31 staples. On Friday, April 11th I underwent a life changing surgery to improve my health and quality of life.
Surgery went fabulously, much better than anticipated because of God's touch on my life and I went home just 4 days after surgery rather than the anticipated 5-7 day stay. My body has healed well, no complications from surgery and I am already feeling much better. But still the scar remains. This physical scar that has now become my favorite of many surgery battle wounds. I have scars all over my abdomen and back from multiple surgeries beginning when I was just a few months old.
Scars are powerful. Scars mean something has healed. The pain is gone from what was injured, impacted or abused when a scar is left. It's a reminder that life goes on.
Saturday, the day after surgery, I was in a lot of pain. Sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache. In that moment when all I could do was close my eyes and pray I was a reminded that this would be over soon. That this temporary pain and discomfort would be worth it. But, it didn't take away the turmoil I felt all day.
Saturday came to an end, the pain continued to lessen and I became stronger. I soon was able to walk up and down the halls of floor 4A at OHSU in Portland, OR. Then I was able to shower and even feel like walking outside.
You see, friend, this is how it is with all scars. They begin as a painful process and with time become less and less painful. As I write this today I can say less than one month from surgery I feel no pain where I was once cut open.
God wants to do this in our hearts, if we would let Him. He wants to lead us down a path much like the small steps I made away from laying in a hospital bed to now going back to work in just two days. Maybe you are like me and have memories from your past that in some small way still impact your decisions today as an adult. They are like a scar that has not healed. Or perhaps the incision, if you will, was just made and it feels like it will never heal. It will. I promise.
The awesome hidden power of scars is that the scar is to not disable us or inhibit us, but rather remind us of where we have been. When I look at a very crooked, messy, and fresh scar across my abdomen I see the healing power of Jesus in my life. I see friends who have lifted me up both in prayer and in deed. I see meals brought to my home. I envision a full waiting room of loved ones while I was away for over 7 hours in surgery. When I touch my rigid and bumpy scar I feel the love of my sweet husband who has been my faithful and dedicated companion throughout this journey and the loving arms of my son who has hugged me when I was crying tears of pain. Most of all, I am reminded that my life goes on and I am a daughter of the King!
We all have scars. They hold unimaginable strength and wisdom. Strength to carry on and wisdom to make the best decisions possible. This process towards my restored health has brought so many lessons. The heartfelt lesson I am most thankful for in this moment is the realization that I can let scars be there both physically and emotionally, but not be defined by them, rather know are just now a part of me, but not all of me.
The hidden power of scars depends on how deeply we are willing to look at them, feel them and own up to how they got there. If you have any need for prayer regarding "scars" that just won't heal in your life I would be honored and humbled to pray with you. Friend, our Jesus, has scars. He has them to show us that He has taken care of our needs and provided for our futures. He longs for us to live in liberty and in the power of His glory in us.
Thankful for my scars,
Sarah
Monday, May 5, 2014
Saturday, March 22, 2014
I cannot be SILENT!
Three short weeks from today I will be recovering from a major surgery. I have been learning that my physical difficulties are not something to be ashamed of any longer. For too long I have kept the details of my urologic issues hidden and it is time to be proud of what God has done in my body. He has brought me through so much and kept me healthy.
To know where I am today I need to go back to where I started. To keep it simple I have a birth defect. The word defect by nature is negative, but it is true that my body is different than probably any other woman. Let's start with the basics. My bladder is the size of a quarter and never has worked...not one day since birth. My ureters were never headed in the right direction to keep things "PG" and they are currently 10 times the size they should be. Ureters should be 3 millimeters in diameter. Mine are 30 millimeters in diameter! Add to the mix a few more fun facts such as my uterus is split into two, doctors think I could have been a twin that didn't form correctly and that I had my first surgeries at the very young age of just about 1 year old and you have me. Take it or leave it...this is who I am. I am no longer going to try to hide my story or choose to share it only with people that have earned my trust.
So, the next question people usually have is how did I get to where I am? Well, when I was born I never had wet diapers. Yes, that's right -- it's a big issue. My Mom took me to the pediatrician who told her she be a nervous first time Mom and to go home and have a drink. Well, two things are wrong with his theory. My Mom trusted her gut and was not simply a highly sensitive new parent. And secondly she doesn't drink. So, doing what any devoted parent would do she took for me a second opinion. From there came trips to Portland for care at OHSU and the beginning of what would be a life saving surgery. Months of my life were spent at OHSU, which meant my parents made courageous decisions that would forever impact my future. Because of their brave acts I am able to say I am alive. God gave them wisdom and discernment. Praise God for His hand in our lives!
What did the doctors do? Well, babies are small. I was tiny. I was extremely sick. They had to do something. What they did was never done before. Multiple trial and error procedures were done but finally it was decided that a major surgery would be the life saving choice. The created a small hole in the middle of my little belly just below my belly button and pulled my ureters to the surface. The easiest way to explain it is imagine two hoses coming up to a hole in the ground. Now, where to put the urine that would come from the ureters? Into a "bag". That is not the technical term for this, it is really called an urostomy appliance. Try explaining that to a child as I was just past 1 year old when all of this took place. I have always called what I have my bag. Always will. Sometimes simple is best, right?
What was done at this very young age was a coin toss. It was a "let's see" kind of deal. Here's where I get excited. My God is so big, so strong, so all knowing and so perfect that He gave the doctors wisdom beyond their own understanding and I have had this "urostomy" and have done quite well in life. I would not be the woman of God I am today without this "thorn in my side" to remind me to rely on Jesus.
This being said my life has not been without difficulties, pain, hardships, frustration, anger, all out tantrums and humiliation. This "bag" as I have always known it is not fool proof. It's glued to my skin. You can imagine as a body grows and changes, a child is active and busy, this might not go so well to stay connected perfectly. Perfect is a word that is really not in the vocabulary for a person with a urostomy. Leaking is a word that could be used. What is that? The seal could break for multiple reasons on said bag and wa-la --- leaking occurs. It is just what is sound like. Urine is now dripping, other times gushing, from the middle of my stomach. When did this happen? Anytime. Anywhere. School, church, middle of the night, on the way to work, at work, you name it and it is has probably happened. Even in a movie theatre -- that was a doozie. Again, God is faithful and has placed the most amazingly supportive and loving people in my life to literally make a shield around me so others would not see the embarrassing impact of this inconvenience. Never be afraid to stand up for others -- never. You have no idea the difference you could be making.
Multiple surgeries, a miraculous pregnancy to deliver my sweet boy Isaac, and a whole lot of prayer brings me to today. My pregnancy was something so special that I will take time to share about that at a different date, but know God is never going to leave us without a plan and peace.
As I sit here typing this short synopsis on my history I want every person that reads it to remember I could have things so much worse. I am alive. I have a wonderful family. God has given me purpose. I am not an accident and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. How do I know this? Because God doesn't make junk. And you my friend, you are not junk either. Maybe you don't have a bag on the outside of your body holding urine. For your sake, I hope not. But maybe you have a broken heart or have been hurt in ways that no one would understand. Maybe you have health conditions that seem to never end. Maybe you have hurt others and you think there's no way life could get better. Well, listen. Listen!!! You are not junk. You are made on purpose to have a purpose. Have I cried out to God pleading to be healed? Yes! I have decided that whether God chooses to heal me here on earth or to use me to show His love to others because of the people I get to impact and heal me in Heaven -- either way, I choose to be happy, thankful and blessed. And, loved one, I choose to be confident that God works all things together. This means nothing is broken. What is broken to us is not to God. If you think back at your life and the circumstances you have made it through I am 100% sure that you have been able to use those details of life to encourage someone else, lend a hand because you know what it feels like to be down, or simply just know that life goes on.
I'm sorry, I get to preaching...
Three weeks from today I will be recovering from a 6-8 hour surgery scheduled for 4/11/14. That's where this story started. So what surgery will I be recovering from? My kidneys and ureters are worn down and causing me quite a bit of health issues so it is time to give me an overhaul. I equate this surgery to a reboot. A fresh start. A new beginning. A better tomorrow. Three major items will be done in the surgery. First the ureters, which remember are 10x too big, will be tapered down to a more reasonable size to cause less opportunity for issues. Secondly, the current hole that I mentioned earlier will be closed. Third a finally a new hole, called a stoma, will be created near my hip using part of my bowel. It's a relatively common surgery for those who have had bladder cancer. The tricky part is my insides aren't normal. I did find a short YouTube video that explains the third step relatively well and if you would like to watch it here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANIDpinacxE&feature=youtu.be
Is this surgery and process going to be easy? No. I will not kid myself. I have experienced surgeries. They are NEVER easy. But in time, this will be worth it. In the mean time I will thank God for the blessings in my life.
I am living a blessed life. A very blessed life. My only request is that you pray for God to use me for His kingdom and that every interaction I will keep my focus on Jesus.
Questions? Don't hesitate to ask.
To know where I am today I need to go back to where I started. To keep it simple I have a birth defect. The word defect by nature is negative, but it is true that my body is different than probably any other woman. Let's start with the basics. My bladder is the size of a quarter and never has worked...not one day since birth. My ureters were never headed in the right direction to keep things "PG" and they are currently 10 times the size they should be. Ureters should be 3 millimeters in diameter. Mine are 30 millimeters in diameter! Add to the mix a few more fun facts such as my uterus is split into two, doctors think I could have been a twin that didn't form correctly and that I had my first surgeries at the very young age of just about 1 year old and you have me. Take it or leave it...this is who I am. I am no longer going to try to hide my story or choose to share it only with people that have earned my trust.
So, the next question people usually have is how did I get to where I am? Well, when I was born I never had wet diapers. Yes, that's right -- it's a big issue. My Mom took me to the pediatrician who told her she be a nervous first time Mom and to go home and have a drink. Well, two things are wrong with his theory. My Mom trusted her gut and was not simply a highly sensitive new parent. And secondly she doesn't drink. So, doing what any devoted parent would do she took for me a second opinion. From there came trips to Portland for care at OHSU and the beginning of what would be a life saving surgery. Months of my life were spent at OHSU, which meant my parents made courageous decisions that would forever impact my future. Because of their brave acts I am able to say I am alive. God gave them wisdom and discernment. Praise God for His hand in our lives!
What did the doctors do? Well, babies are small. I was tiny. I was extremely sick. They had to do something. What they did was never done before. Multiple trial and error procedures were done but finally it was decided that a major surgery would be the life saving choice. The created a small hole in the middle of my little belly just below my belly button and pulled my ureters to the surface. The easiest way to explain it is imagine two hoses coming up to a hole in the ground. Now, where to put the urine that would come from the ureters? Into a "bag". That is not the technical term for this, it is really called an urostomy appliance. Try explaining that to a child as I was just past 1 year old when all of this took place. I have always called what I have my bag. Always will. Sometimes simple is best, right?
What was done at this very young age was a coin toss. It was a "let's see" kind of deal. Here's where I get excited. My God is so big, so strong, so all knowing and so perfect that He gave the doctors wisdom beyond their own understanding and I have had this "urostomy" and have done quite well in life. I would not be the woman of God I am today without this "thorn in my side" to remind me to rely on Jesus.
This being said my life has not been without difficulties, pain, hardships, frustration, anger, all out tantrums and humiliation. This "bag" as I have always known it is not fool proof. It's glued to my skin. You can imagine as a body grows and changes, a child is active and busy, this might not go so well to stay connected perfectly. Perfect is a word that is really not in the vocabulary for a person with a urostomy. Leaking is a word that could be used. What is that? The seal could break for multiple reasons on said bag and wa-la --- leaking occurs. It is just what is sound like. Urine is now dripping, other times gushing, from the middle of my stomach. When did this happen? Anytime. Anywhere. School, church, middle of the night, on the way to work, at work, you name it and it is has probably happened. Even in a movie theatre -- that was a doozie. Again, God is faithful and has placed the most amazingly supportive and loving people in my life to literally make a shield around me so others would not see the embarrassing impact of this inconvenience. Never be afraid to stand up for others -- never. You have no idea the difference you could be making.
Multiple surgeries, a miraculous pregnancy to deliver my sweet boy Isaac, and a whole lot of prayer brings me to today. My pregnancy was something so special that I will take time to share about that at a different date, but know God is never going to leave us without a plan and peace.
As I sit here typing this short synopsis on my history I want every person that reads it to remember I could have things so much worse. I am alive. I have a wonderful family. God has given me purpose. I am not an accident and I am fearfully and wonderfully made. How do I know this? Because God doesn't make junk. And you my friend, you are not junk either. Maybe you don't have a bag on the outside of your body holding urine. For your sake, I hope not. But maybe you have a broken heart or have been hurt in ways that no one would understand. Maybe you have health conditions that seem to never end. Maybe you have hurt others and you think there's no way life could get better. Well, listen. Listen!!! You are not junk. You are made on purpose to have a purpose. Have I cried out to God pleading to be healed? Yes! I have decided that whether God chooses to heal me here on earth or to use me to show His love to others because of the people I get to impact and heal me in Heaven -- either way, I choose to be happy, thankful and blessed. And, loved one, I choose to be confident that God works all things together. This means nothing is broken. What is broken to us is not to God. If you think back at your life and the circumstances you have made it through I am 100% sure that you have been able to use those details of life to encourage someone else, lend a hand because you know what it feels like to be down, or simply just know that life goes on.
I'm sorry, I get to preaching...
Three weeks from today I will be recovering from a 6-8 hour surgery scheduled for 4/11/14. That's where this story started. So what surgery will I be recovering from? My kidneys and ureters are worn down and causing me quite a bit of health issues so it is time to give me an overhaul. I equate this surgery to a reboot. A fresh start. A new beginning. A better tomorrow. Three major items will be done in the surgery. First the ureters, which remember are 10x too big, will be tapered down to a more reasonable size to cause less opportunity for issues. Secondly, the current hole that I mentioned earlier will be closed. Third a finally a new hole, called a stoma, will be created near my hip using part of my bowel. It's a relatively common surgery for those who have had bladder cancer. The tricky part is my insides aren't normal. I did find a short YouTube video that explains the third step relatively well and if you would like to watch it here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANIDpinacxE&feature=youtu.be
Is this surgery and process going to be easy? No. I will not kid myself. I have experienced surgeries. They are NEVER easy. But in time, this will be worth it. In the mean time I will thank God for the blessings in my life.
I am living a blessed life. A very blessed life. My only request is that you pray for God to use me for His kingdom and that every interaction I will keep my focus on Jesus.
Questions? Don't hesitate to ask.