So tired, so so tired.

Tired.  Really tired.  Sit down and fall asleep tired.  That's me right now.  Not just literally, but emotionally.  I feel drained.  I feel like someone has left the water running for a long time and the well is about empty.  (Insert sleepy sigh.)

I know all of the scriptures to quote about rising up like eagles, joy of the Lord is my strength, don't grow weary in doing good, and on and on.  I know it.  I just don't feel it.  Should I even be saying this out loud?  Is this too honest?

I can't be alone in this feeling.  Come on, let's get real.  We are living in a fast paced, got to get it done, keep it moving world.  It's no wonder that I feel less than energetic.  That's saying it nicely.  To be blunt---I feel like falling over.

I don't say this to complain.  Not at all. I just want to get transparent.  I know so many around me are going through so much more than I am, and I pray for those dear loved ones (and count my blessings). 

I love my family--boy do I love them.  I am blessed with an amazing husband and adorable son.  I love them with all my heart.  But, goodness sake, sometimes they wear me out.  I love my career.  I really do--and I know I am blessed to be able to say that in a world of those looking for a job and feeling hopeless in their daily work.  I enjoy what I do, and can't see myself doing something else (well, I can but it would be a promotion).  I even love the ministry opportunities I have at my church.  I am trusted to lead others.  I don't take this lightly and really do feel honored to see God use me. 

But...well, some days are just easier than others and I am stinkin' tired.

Some days I would love to get in my car, drive away and sit alone on a beach, park, or let's face it even the Target parking lot.  Yes, I've been known to pull my car out of my work parking lot, only to drive 2 minutes to a parking lot across the street to have a moment alone. 

What I am finding lately is that I can't shake is this feeling of "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"  Do you know what I mean?  That feeling where you feel like you could just scream?  And just might if it didn't make you seem absolutely insane?  Yes, that feeling.  You all know it.  And if you don't, you will.  And if you don't know it now, you've known it. 

I've come to the conclusion that I need a revival.  I need a revival in my soul, deep down.  Deep.  Deep.  Deep. I don't want the revival that ends when I stand up from the altar.  I want the revival that causes shockwaves and generations to find Jesus.  But first, I want it for me.  I want to be refreshed, changed, motivated and moved.  Maybe if I can get very real with myself, because Jesus already knows, then I can begin chopping and chipping away the lethargy and paralysis of my soul.

If you will join me in this revival cry I'd love to know it so we can encourage each other.  But, moreover God wants to know it.  He already knows the weariness of our hearts.  He has come to give us rest.  So, I am going to let out the scream that has been burning deep inside my belly.  Here goes....but not of desperation, but an exhale so I can inhale the breath of God in my life. 

What about you my friend?  Are you tired of being tired? 

Let's go to Jesus together.   

Cape on.

Contentment is the enemy.

Enemy is a strong word, and I know it.  It's a word that reminds us of wars and hatred.  Enemy reminds us of evil and bad guys.  I mean to use the word enemy because that's just how strongly I feel about contentment in my life.

Throughout life we are taught to be thankful for what we have and enjoy what we've been given. This still is 100% true.  I agree that one of the keys to a successful life is to find peace in where we are, who we are with, and where we have been.  But, I don't believe that holds true when we look to where we might be headed or who might be headed there with us, or even worse, without us.

Here's an example.  Should I be content with being a Mom that only pays attention half the time to my son?  NO!  And if I said yes to that I know some people who know some people if you know what I mean.

Now that I have your attention, let's take it a step further. 

Is it okay to be content with where we are in our walk with Jesus?  Should I be content with only sitting in the seats of my church keeping them full rather than needing to stand to allow someone new to sit down?  Should I be content in just getting by?  Should I be content in only giving "enough" to get it done? 

I am done. 
I am done being content. 
I am done. 
I am done being a good church girl who doesn't cause waves. 
I am done. 
I am done being one in a crowd instead of the one who stands out from the crowd.

So yes friends, contentment is my enemy.  Contentment keeps me complacent, lazy, apathetic, self-centered, wishful, quiet, weak, and unfocused.

I so desire a Godly passion to burn within me that I am no longer afraid to push the envelope, stay muted, or be satisfied with just getting by.  Are you with me?  I mean really with me?  Not just, a "like" on Facebook or a quick :) in a text, but a "YES!  I am with you!"

Hebrews 10: 22-25 says it well.  "So let’s do it—full of belief, confident that we’re presentable inside and out. Let’s keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let’s see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching."

How do we do it?

We live for Jesus.  Plain and simple.  It should drive every decision we make, every motive centered on His plan for the world.  Then, we do this together.  We get creative.  We encourage.  We help out.  We come together, but not to warm a seat, but to remind each other of the promises and then GO!  The BIG DAY is approaching.  Reaching beyond ourselves has to be our mode of operations.  It has to be the way we live and drive all we do, not only independently but as church bodies all across our great nation.

I don't know about you, but contentment is my enemy.  It's my arch-nemesis if you will. 

My son, who loves superheroes, has quite a few games, comics, you name it with superheroes in or on them.  Well, I may not know all of the heroes, but I will tell you that most often there is an arch-nemesis.  The villain is fighting all the time against the hero.  So much so that so that is what makes this whole world of comics come alive.

If we are children of the Most High King and do have a real enemy, let's own up to it, know it, and fight.  Be ready, because until the Big Day comes and Jesus reveals heaven to us we will be in the fight of our lives, and more importantly for the lives of those who don't yet know the love, forgiveness and peace of our Jesus.

Staying content is no longer an option for me.  Too many lives are waiting for me to put my cape on and reach out beyond myself.  Who's with me? 

Dirtbag

Labels.  We all read them, use them, depend on them and try to be them. 

Most every day I drive by a small gas efficient car parked on the side of the road with a label on the way home from work.  It's not "Honk if you love Jesus" or "My other car is a bus".  The label is big, bold and across the entire back window.  I can imagine if I gave you 100 guesses you wouldn't get it unless you've seen it.

Dirtbag.  Yes, that's it.  Dirtbag.  Lovely, right?  Each time I think to myself who would put this label on their car.  Who would want others to see their car and read dirtbag?  Not me.  I can't think of anyone who would. 

Well, God uses even small cars with odd labels to get my attention.  Even if I had to drive by it 100 times for it to sink in.  He knows I am not His brightest child.  Thank goodness He's so patient.

How many times do I put a label directly across my forehead that only I can see---but think others see?  Labels that say things like 'quitter' or 'fatty'.  Or maybe put labels on the inside, on my heart, that no one else can see--but impact the way I live my life.  Labels that become part of me without me even knowing.  Labels like 'people pleaser' or worse yet 'gossiper'.

Maybe I am alone in this, but I don't think so.  I hope not, it's too lonely.  I believe we all put labels on ourselves like this car down the street.  Maybe the labels are what we want people to see.  Words like 'all put together', 'happy' or 'fulfilled'. 

What would happen if we took off all the labels?  The ones we are putting on for all to see or the labels we have that we see every time we look in the mirror, or feel deep in our hearts.  What if we could take off the labels that create painful meaning into our hearts.

When I was a teenager the labels everyone wore were GAP, Guess and Esprit.  These labels were the epitome of 8th grade.  I didn't have very many items with these labels but what I had was treasured.  I learned that I wore the certain labeled clothing for specific events and even had a bag that said GAP.  Those labeled items were special to me, and made me feel different when I had them on or near me.

God puts labels on us.  So many labels.  Loved, redeemed, precious, important, and wanted are just a few of the labels He bestows on us.  He wants these labels to be seen on us, treasured by us and lived through us.  When I think about the labels I have placed on myself they are the opposite of what God thinks of me.  Why is that?  Why do I believe the labels that make me feel inadequate and small, but not the ones that build my character, purpose and even future?

Dirtbag.  It's a yucky, horrible and disgusting word picture.  But on the other hand, it's incredibly raw, real and introspective.  God already sees the dirtbag in each of us.  He loves us.  He wants the you and me that comes to Him with the reckless abandon to find our true destiny.

So, let's rip off the labels that we have worn around, maybe since as long ago as the 1990s.  Maybe longer. 

One.  Two.  Three.  RIP!  Rip those labels off with me.  RIP!  Rest in peace.  Yeah, that sounds good to me.  I will choose to rest in peace because of the worth I know Jesus sees in me even when I don't see it.  Even when others don't see it.  Even when I give reasons why no one should see it.  I refuse to be adorned by labels of self loathing, inadequacy, and judgment.

Are you ready to rest in peace?  His peace that passes all understanding.  Who knows what label God will put on you next as you rest in His love--maybe it will be missionary, or speaker of truth, or could be it be woman of faith?

I'm excited to see the new labels.  I'm sick of the old, tired and worn out labels.  These labels are ones I have been holding on to that much like my 1990s GAP bag that had holes it, looked worn out and needed to be let go a long time ago. 

I will read the labels God has for me.  He's outlined that in His word.  He's so faithful to leave us this resource that often times is left to gather dust or stay hidden away in our smart phones.
I will use the labels God puts on me for His kingdom.  Whatever the label is, I will use it for Jesus. 
I will do my best to be label that is dependable.  I plan to wear the label of Christian proudly. 
And most of all I will try to be the label, disciple. 

Thank you God for reaching out to me, even with a label like dirtbag that was once on my heart. 

Move your Tassle from the Right to the Left!

Graduation season is here.  We are in the thick of it.  Caps, gowns, tassles, tears, silly string, boucing beach balls, high heels, sunglasses, and uncomfortable bleachers. 

It's hard for me to consider that my high school graduation was in 1998.  I was 18, hopeful, determined and "ready" for the world ahead of me.  I drove a 1976 Ford Maverick that was the exact same color as a Barbie. I am not exagerating.  I loved that car because my Great Grandma gave it to me.  In fact, wish I still had it today.  I thought I was overweight.  I wasn't, I was healthy.  I wasn't the size 4 cheerleader, but I was beautiful.  If only I had realized that then, the world of hurt it could have saved me from.  I had my life perfectly planned.  (That I really thought was true!)

Well, the Maverick ended up being sold, the weight issues were untrue but tainted my world view, and my life was not perfectly planned.  But, my life would turn out perfectly!

Graduation was a time of excitement, new beginnings, and freedom.  I went on to Eugene Bible College in the fall of 1998 where I planned to stay for 4 years.  I stayed there for just a year.  I was "dumped" by long time boyfiend in the spring of 1999.  I wish him the best, but God sure took care of me and gave me a loving, adorable, fun and exciting husband.  Then, on top of that he blessed me with a son!  I lived in the dorms on campus that didn't feel exactly 'free' but learned some valuable life lessons. 

The cap and gown are now in a costume box.  The high heels were sold at a garage sale a long time ago.  The sunglasses I "had" to wear as I walked on to the North Eugene High School baseball field were lost.  But, that feeling of hope and determination never was put away, sold or lost.  Did it waiver from time to time?  YES!  But I am thankful it has never left. 

Graduation season is here and while I listened last night to shining, beautiful young ladies with long flowing hair blowing in the wind on a sunny Oregon night I thought back to my own graduation and purposed within myself to renew the excitement in my life.  Does that mean I will jump from an airplane tomorrow?  No (but it would be fun!).  Will I quit my job and fly to a foreign land?  No (but can you imagine if you could?!?)  I will restore the joy of my life. 

I am reminded of the scripture in Psalms 51:12.  "Restore to me the joy of your salvation."(NLT)

Maybe you are like me and get overwhelmed by the business of life.  Life is messy.  We can't renew the joy of our salvation on our own.  The silly string, bouncing beach balls and sunglasses seem to be long gone and you are left with just the uncomfotable bleachers.  My friend, be encouraged.  We all can have a graduation in our hearts today. 

Stand up.  Put on your sprirtual cap and gown.  Find your high heels and sunglasses.  Put them on!  Our futures are bright.  Just because we are not the fresh faced 18 year olds graduating from high school does not mean we have to miss out on the excitement, freedom, hope and determination of life. 

Stand with me, move your tassle from the right side of your cap, to the left.  Look at the future with bright hopefilled eyes and be ready to take on the world.  Not because we have life perfectly planned or becasue we know it all, but because we know the One who does.  And not because we can do this on our own, but because we are fully reliant on Jesus, the Author and Perfector of our faith. 

We are all individuals with our own set of circumstances, dreams and desires.  But today, we are in our perfectly pressed gowns and are united in Christ's redemption.

So today let's hold our heads high, walk with purpose, live in Christ's freedom and know that if we just ask He will renew the joy of our salvation.  The salvation that brings peace, guidance, and contentment.

Graduation day is here in our hearts!  Throw that cap high in the air and look forward to the future God has for you!

Tangled

"Let us also lay aside every encumberance and the sin which so easily entangles us."  Hebrews 12:1

I am a Pinterest fan, some might say addict. 
I also am a quote lover, admirer, and collector.

These two together are a dangerous combination.  Quite possibly explosive.  My poor pinterest friends have to wade through pages, no it's not an exageration, of pinned quotes, sayings, and words to live by.   Not to mention nail polish design images, fashion ideas, and a miriad of other items that catch my eye. 

Then I saw this pin.  This pin was breath taking.  The words leaped off the small iPhone screen and into my heart.  Every word, full of meaning, pregnant with promise, and penetrated into my soul like a bite into an apple that can't be undone.

The words sunk into my heart, deeper and deeper.  Soon enough I changed this pinterest find into my screen saver on my phone.  I began thinking on this verse more and more.  I have come to a few conclusions for my own life.  Perhaps just for me, but friends, I have an idea that I am not alone.

Let us.  Let = allow.  Good, got it.  Allow.  Then us.  Okay God, I understand, we are in this together.  I am not in this plight alone.  I have brothers and sisters in Christ who deal with hang ups, hurts and habits like I do.  Whew.  That is encouraging.  I will keep digging.

Lay aside.  I am not good at laying anything down.  I am a "yes" girl that revels in pleasing people and being the one with all, or at least most, of the answers.  I pick up much more in life than I lay down.  I don't even get to sleep when I should.  I literally have a difficult time laying down.  Often times in the evening I could be nodding off in my living room while my husband says, "Sarah, go to bed!"  But no, do I let him win, and be right?  No way.  I push myself to the limits.  I can honestly say I have been this way for most of my life.  So, the two simple words of lay aside have already got me.  Lesson here, not everything is mine to pick up.  And, maybe, just maybe I should be laying down my body to rest and my cares of this world to the Lord. 

Every encumberance.  Every.  Not some.  Not a few.  Not the ones we want to or the ones I have to.  Every.  Every.  Every.  The words rang in my head day after day.  God is reminding me that He wants all of me.  Encumberance is a complex word.  I love words.  I could have been perfectly happy finding a place in this world as an author.  Wikipedia says "an encumberance is a right to, interest in, legal liability."  Because I like to be thorough I also looked at dictionary.com.  The words hit harder this time.  "Burden, or a claim (as a mortgage) against a property."  Wow.  This I did not see coming.  I work in a world of lending...of encumberances.  Thanks God for knowing what my little mind can grasp.  What encumberance, or burden, is on me right now?  To take it a step further, if I am God's creation, then I am His property.  If I am His property then I am to lay down (get rid of) every encumberance (all burdens) against my life in Jesus.  That's just how good God is.  He speaks to us in ways our heart can understand.

So, just seven words.  I am half way through this verse and I am already feeling as if I have been the girl who raised her hand, palm placed firmly against forhead and said...DUH. 

Finally a simple word.  And.  But, wait, that means there is more.  And is equals plus.  In addition to.  Uh oh.  I think I need to take a deep breath here.

The sin.  The sin is not specific to a bad habit, choice or act.  Sin is sin.  To sin is to miss the mark.  Growing up in church I have heard a lot of preachers.  Some good, some, well not so good.  But some, some have been great.  As a teenager I was taught by an amazing man of God what it means to be a leader.  This man may never know the impact he has had on my future.  God used him to shape me, pour into me and teach me.  This man taught me that to sin, was not a big bad messy choice.  It was simple.  It is to miss the mark.  The mark is laid out for all of us.  The Bible outlines what the mark is.  The mark is to live for God in a way that brings others to Him.  Does sin include poor choices, actions, behaviors, and habits?  Of course it does.  But those all come from a place in my heart.  When I want to honk at the lady who cut me off in the Wal-Mart parking lot, when a team member I work with is less than pleasant to interact with, when my son is on my last nerve, or my husband leaves his socks on the floor one too many times--this is when I need to be reminded of this verse.  The sin.  The sin in my life nailed Jesus to the cross.  The sin in my life caused my Jesus to die for my redepemption.  My sin.  The sin.  We all sin, but yet God chooses to love us.  He created us with free wills knowing that we would miss the mark.  I am humbled by the cross, by the price that paid my debt. 

Which so easilly entangles us.  Five words.  Powerful descriptive words.  Easily entangles us.  Why does this scripture remind us to lay aside every encumberance and the sin?  Here's why--because it so easily entangles us.  I know about tangles.  I have naturally curly hair.  When I was young my curly brown hair was beautiful if I do say so myself.  But, it tangled easily.  I can remember moments as a little girl of my Dad singing "Sunshine on my Sarah makes me happy".  He sang this to keep me occupied while he combed through tangles.  And I think he loved being a Daddy to a little girl.  I had long curly hair.  Ladies with naturally very curly hair I know without a doubt you know exactly what I am talking about.  Tangles, lots of tangles.  Get one untangled, and there are still so many more to untwist and unwind.

Entangle means to complicate, confuse, entwine into a confusing mass, snarl.  No wonder God warns us to lay aside every encumberance and sin.  He knows that this will only complicate our lives.  Confuse our minds.  Snarl up our plans, or more importantly His plans. 

I so desire a life that is God focused, spirit filled and brimming with purpose.  But to be honest, I do not lay aside every encumberance and the sin which so easily entangles me.  I do not let go of the burdens and I miss the mark in my life which without difficulty makes my life complicated, messy and confusing.

God will use anything to get our attention.  This week He used Pinterest.  I would like to say I read this in my 6 AM morning devotions.  No, I read this while my husband played a video game in our living room at 10 PM.  I will never profess to be the perfect follower of Christ, but I do strive to be honest and humble. 

My prayer is uncomplicated.  God, help me lay down and not pick back up the burdens of this world.  Help me to hit the mark.  And when I miss it and sin, remind me and let my spirit be ready to listen so my life is simple, straight forward and without confusion.  Thanks God for loving me enough to use even Pinterest to teach me. 

I am living a blessed life.

Be blessed,
Sarah

Today I am a Woman of God

Today I am a Woman of God.  Today is all I have.  Today is what I need.  Today is my gift. 

I am learning to become completely dependant on the One who created me.  To lean into the everlasting arms of the God who cares for me.

This blog is a humble attempt to share my story and bring honor to Jesus.  You're welcome to come along on the journey with me.  Through my highs and lows.  Through my victories and defeats.  I am like you with fears, failures and frustrations.  I also have triumphs and joyful moments I wouldn't trade for anything.

I am living a blessed life.  Yes, I am.